What NOT To Say To Someone Struggling With An Eating Disorder

“It’s important to be mindful of how we communicate with someone who has an eating disorder. The words we use can have a profound effect on their emotional and mental well-being, and in turn, their motivation towards recovery. Let’s talk about why:

1)       What you say can cause unintentional harm. People with eating disorders often have a heightened sensitivity to comments about food, weight, or appearance. Even well-meaning remarks can be misinterpreted and reinforce disordered behaviors or negative self-perceptions.

· What Not to Say:

o   "You look so healthy now!"

o   "You’ve lost/gained weight."

o   “You look great.”

o   “I’d be grateful to look like you.”

2)       You want to support recovery, and avoid triggering setbacks. Comments about eating habits, body size, or exercise can unintentionally trigger guilt, shame, or obsessive thoughts, which may make recovery harder. Further, judgemental or dismissive statements can make someone feel isolated or misunderstood, which can prevent them from opening up about their struggles. Compassionate communication fosters trust and encourages them to seek or continue treatment.

· What Not to Say:

o   "I wish I had your self-control."

o   "At least it’s not as bad as [something else]."

o   “But you don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”

o   "I get it—I went on a diet once."

3)       Eating disorders are incredibly complex. Eating disorders aren’t just about food or weight—they’re often rooted in deeper emotional issues like control, trauma, or self-worth. Dismissing or oversimplifying you’re love ones struggles can make them feel invalidated, or as if the problem is not that serious, when in reality, if could be life threatening.

· What Not to Say:

o   "Just eat more/less."

o   "It’s just food. Why are you so stressed about food?"

o   "You know this isn’t good for you, right?"

4)    Be careful not to blame them for their disorder. Eating disorders are a serious mental health condition, not a personal choice. No one decides to wake up one day and develop an eating disorder. While it can be a challenging condition to navigate, placing blame on your loved one can intensify feelings of shame and isolation—emotions that often perpetuate the disorder.

· What Not to Say:

o   "You’re hurting everyone around you."

o   "This is just in your head."

o   "Why are you being so selfish?"

5)    Don’t push them to “just fix it.” Recovery takes time and has to come from within. Pressure like this can make your loved one feel more overwhelmed and anxious.

· What Not to Say:

o   "You need to get better for your family/friends."

o   "If you really wanted to recover, you would."

o   "When are you going to start eating normally?"

o   “When are you going to stop this?”

6)    Don’t make comments about food. Food is already a sensitive topic, so even innocent comments can feel like judgment.

· What Not to Say:

o   "Are you really eating that?"

o   "You’re not going to eat?"

o   "That’s all you’re having?"

Now that we’ve talked about what’s NOT helpful to say to someone suffering from an eating disorder, let’s give some good examples of what IS helpful:

1) Show Support, Even When You May Not Understand:

o   "I’m here for you, no matter what."

o   "Thanks for opening up to me—it means a lot."

o   "You don’t have to go through this alone."

o   “How can I support you?”

o   You’re so much more than your struggles with food or your body. I see your strength and kindness.”

o   “You don’t have to go through this alone. There’s help and hope for healing.”

2) Acknowledge Their Feelings:

o   "This must be really tough for you."

o   "I might not understand everything, but I want to help however I can."

o   “Dealing with this must be very painful for you.”

o   “That sounds really hard. I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”

o   “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. Just know you’re not in this alone.”

3) Encourage Help Without Pushing:

o   "Have you thought about talking to someone who specializes in this? I can help you find resources or go with you if it feels overwhelming.”

o   “Getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve support.”

o   “I’m here for you no matter what. You don’t have to have it all figured out.”

o   “I care about you, and I’m proud of you for facing this—it takes a lot of courage.”

In summary, the language we use when speaking to someone with an eating disorder hold a lot of importance. What we say can affect their emotions, thoughts, behaviors, motivation, and overall recovery journey. Instead of passing judgment or expressing frustration, focus on showing empathy. You don’t need to fully understand the disorder to recognize that the person is deeply suffering. While it’s not your responsibility to monitor every word you say, but educating yourself and applying what you learn is essential if you want to support your loved one. If you’re finding it difficult to navigate this, consider consulting a therapist for guidance. Even a few sessions can provide valuable insights and strategies to support your loved one effectively while also easing your own anxieties about their well-being and treatment path.